There is good news...Aug 1st I decided it's time to stop the paranoia and be a normal person! So I tried and I made it! I have had a whole month devoid of paranoia and it feels nice...Anil is relieved and so am I! I have always had good will-power and I am happy this worked...because otherwise all I did was be unhappy and make other unhappy too...now I feel refreshed and I can concentrate more on other fruitful things than all those stupid thoughts!

 

happy resolutions...

Sometimes I think I am going crazy with all these thoughts that seem to be pounding in my head...I dont know how to let go now that I have so much at stake...I am driving Anil mad with my paranoia and he has been so patient with me...I need to lighten up and be the same ME who was free-spirited and fun to be with...but then a year ago I didnt have anyone or anything in my life, worth worrying about...

 

What scares me the most is MYSELF...the fear that I will screw it up all and end up being unhappy...while making everyone unhappy too! But then I dont want to do that and I swear I will calm down and make sure I revive my free spirit and let life go on as it does...no matter what...

 

I read something very inspirational today...an essay by a leading writer/journalist in India...and my...I am disturbed...but not in the bad way...in a way that awakens the writer in me...I draw inspiration from anything that disturbs me and I am...I wish I could just take off and be with my laptop and write...but it seems almost impossible right now...

 

I will for sure write something tonight...I have so much to write and so many excuses to say I am busy...

This weekend I had such a difficult time coming in terms with the reality that Happiness is something that one needs to find and keep, without letting others walk all over you life and ruin it...well that might confuse some, so let me elaborate...

 

I am very happy in my life right now...I am engaged to the most wonderful person and I am getting married to him in 5 months! My career isnt exactly where I want it to be, but I cant complain, as I have a good job, which is very good experience for me and I know I can fix all this once I am an immigrant! But this weekend I was so upset and crabby and I now know that I didnt have a valid reason to be so...

 

Happiness is something that comes by and I know I have been holding on to it with my nails digging in, becoz I am so scared its going to slip out of my hands...I am being paranoid, I know, and I need to "calm down" and make an effort to ignore all those who make me upset for no good reason...even if its family...they have no right to make you feel miserable...

 

All that said, I also want to add that its my fault that I am being miserable...contradicting myself, yes, but its true...I shouldnt let anyone or anything bother me so much...I need to learn to ignore the nasty and snide remarks, jokes and comments...at the end of the day, my happiness depends on me and me only...its very bad of me trying to be the victim all the time...I dont want to be the victim, I want to be the passer-by when the troubles are pouring in...I have survived a lot of turbulent storms  in the past...I can overcome these passing grey clouds...

 

So I am going to enjoy every moment in my life, as I am a lucky person, I am going to marry a great guy, I am in Canada, always wnated to be here...and my mom is happy...I know becoz she has been smiling...

 

Summer is here and make the most of it...

We all have a safe haven tucked away in the corner of our mind, where we take refuge each time things go wrong in life. My refuge is beside a river…

 

Each time I close my eyes, images of my native place, crosses my mind. The small village near Thiruvalla, on the banks of the mighty Pamba river still holds importance in my life.

 

The old towering house nestled amid aging trees, overgrown creepers and flowering shrubs, always gave me the shivers. But I always loved it for its mysteries and shadows. And still do.

 

There were two things I cherished here; one was my grandfather’s old and dusty library overlooking the river and second, the river ghat. Every morning after breakfast, I would rush to the ghat and make sure no villager had occupied the place for bathing or washing.

 

It is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. Rectangular slabs of granite, with jagged sides, lead us into the river. Weeds run up to the cold granite steps and shady trees droop over the muddy bank. Tall coconut trees sway their manes and create fleeting images on the crystal-clear water. Tiny red and black-stripped guppies nibble at my feet as I tiptoe into the warm water. I used to sit on the stone step laden with dry leaves and withered flowers, and look at the fishing and passenger boats gliding by occasionally. Everyone seemed to be in a hurry, like the river, never stopping for anyone.

 

She flirted and danced with the wanton wind, with fallen leaves and flowers adorning her hair. The sun played games with her while she smiled coyly, her laughter echoing all the way downhill. She used to beckon me to join her, but all I ever did was go knee-deep. Yet she didn’t complain, she went on like a song, forgiving and smiling.

 

It was just she and I, whispering secrets and shutting out the world. I could see, at a distance, the old creaking bridge overcrowded with vehicles. But I rather enjoyed the company of the water snake and the beaver, who emerged at intervals, as if to keep watch. I could see the fishermen hauling shellfish and huge lobsters from the riverbed and throwing them on the kettuvallam (big black boats). It’s all fresh in my mind.

 

I haven’t gone back in years, but still I see her everyday, she is in me always. She might have changed for others, but for me she hasn’t. Sometimes it’s so much easier to fool yourself and believe that the past is unchanging, the present constant and the future decided. We prefer to believe that nothing has changed and that nothing will.

 

Often we fear to go back into the past for the fear of rekindling the same old agonies and regrets. We live in this cocooned sanctuary, which exists only in our mind, and try to believe that everything happens for good. Tis not true, but what does it matter?

Now that I look back at my life, I wonder,

Could I have lived it in a better way,

With less mistakes and less hurt

With people who love me for who I am?

 

They all stare at me quizzically and ask,

Why is she so different?

And all that I can say is

I am being myself…

 

I wrote this one night after a fight with my mom.....she was accusing me for not behaving like a normal Mallu girl (now dont make me elaborate that one!).....I was so pissed off....I am being accused for having a brain that works and a mind that makes decisions???

 

This is how I am and I love it......there are things I would like to change about myself and I am working on them, like my temper, but otherwise I dont want to change anything about my character.....no matter what the world thinks about me......

 

You can call me arrogant, but believe me I am not.....I have always had problem fitting in and I swear I have tried my best to blend in.....but sometimes when you dont think, act or even speak like the others around you then you are considered a freak!

 

Well if thats the price for having a mind of my own, I am sorry, but that how I am and if you cant deal with it, then its not my problem.....

I did start blogging last month, but it was really boring, so now I have decided that I will write what I feel like.....not exactly the what happened everyday, but more what I feel like, so there will stuff that I write garnished with lots of fiction.....better be informed that I am a writer and I am not writing my autobiography.....so chill and enjoy.....

 

Yesterday my sister and family (husband and two kids) moved to Amsterdam.....yes I am sad about it, at the same time I am glad they get to be a better place....